thanks for the confidence - part 1

What an eventful few days it has been.

This is a little lengthy and in depth, but it was mainly for me to remember everything.

Thursday, March 8

It was a rough day from the get go. Duben woke up really early coughing and was struggling breathing so they had to bring in the respiratory team. They gave him a face mask to help him breathe better. I know at this point he was just exhausted. I tried to spend most the day with him to keep him company and keep his mind off of everything. We haven't been getting any new information yet, nothing good at least. The doctors told us his chest is looking a little worse than the day before. He continued to struggle getting in air. We still are waiting to hear back on his lab results. Because of the different tests they do we will slowly get more and more information. His spirits did seem a little better today.

For lunch I went downstairs to get Duben a smoothie and started talking to a man in the elevator. We said a little about why we were here and where are from. We stopped and chatted a little more, then he asked if he could pray for me. Sure. Then he grabbed my hand and started praying in the middle of the hallway. Only in the south. I needed it though, so thank you to the nice man from Shreveport.

I went back home for a bit to play with Ainsley and hold Anderson before I went back to the hospital. I'm so grateful my mom is here to take care of them. Ainsley loves her and she is so patient with her. I wanted to be able to take her to the park and do fun things with her, but I just don't have the time. So I'm grateful that she can do it. Its hard not to feel like I'm not being a good mom to them sometimes, I wish I could play with Ainsley more and cuddle with my baby boy more. I just want them to know how much I love them.

Duben had another hard night tonight, so I'm glad I decided to stay with him. We both fell asleep around eleven then he woke up coughing around one and was scared he was going to have another episode like the night before. That gave him anxiety and he asked if I could just hold his hand or rub his arm. He continued to tense up and he just wasn't able to get enough oxygen. The respiratory guy came in and did a treatment with him to help open his lungs and break some of the stuff up and that seemed to help for a bit. Nurses kept coming in to check on him and at four o'clock they did a chest X-ray. His chest infections continues to look worse. After that they still were concerned with his oxygen levels, so they brought in a breathing mask that straps to his head,kind of like a catchers mask. This keeps in all the air and does more of the breathing for him. The next step for him would be the ICU. Poor Duben is just so exhausted physically and emotionally. The nurses were finally able to give him something for his anxiety, and it helped put him to sleep. I just pray that he sleeps and is able to get some strength back. We have a long road ahead of us. It's hard to see someone you love struggle so much and not be able to do anything for him.

Friday, March 9

This has easily been the hardest week of my life. Duben had to be moved to the ICU this morning because he just couldn't breathe well enough on his own. I came back to the hospital to see him and he was just exhausted. He was still using the mask to breathe and was struggling to stay awake. He was so tired from having to work so hard to breathe. The nurses said it was like he had been running a marathon for the past two days.

They notified the doctor when I arrived and she came to talk to us. Basically, Duben wasn't doing well enough on the breathing mask and his chest xrays were looking worse. We had to make the decision whether or not to move him to a breathing tube right now, or risk having to put him on one in an emergency situation. On the tube he can't talk, he would need to be highly sedated, there is a risk his body would become dependent on it and he won't be able to get off of it, and who knows when he will be able to come off of it. She left us to talk it over, and we just cried.

Duben was just exhausted and we both knew this was the best way to let his body rest. We were both scared. I hated the thought of not being able to talk to him and not knowing when he would be off of it. I felt like I was having to say goodbye to my husband. We cried and kept saying how much we loved each other and proud we were of each other. It killed me not knowing when Ainsley would get to see daddy again. We had a quick prayer together and after a lot of tears we told the doctor to go ahead with the breathing tube. They immediately started getting everything ready. I kissed him again and we exchanged more I love yous and they started the procedure. I stayed for a bit and we kept looking at each other trying to smile. The last thing I saw was him wink at me before they sedated him. Once he was out I couldn't stand to be in there and had to leave. In the waiting room I let myself go and just cried.

After the procedure I went back in and it broke my heart. He was laying there heavily sedated with the breathing tube in his mouth. I felt like I lost my husband. The nurses were wonderful and helped console me. They encouraged me to go home and be with our kids and they would take good care of Duben. They said I should call as much as I liked. I kissed him goodbye and cried the whole way home. Never during all of this cancer process had I ever worried about losing Duben until tonight. I felt like my world had just come crashing down.

I was able to talk to friends at home and our Bishop. What amazing people and friends we have. They quickly sent out an email to the ward asking everyone to fast and pray for us over the weekend. It gave me so much comfort knowing I had so many people behind me ready to help me fight this battle. We couldn't do this on our own.

Saturday, March 10

I called first thing in the morning to see how he was doing. He was still pretty sedated and was just sleeping. Later when I called he was somewhat awake so I rushed over to see him. When I got there he was really sedated and he woke up occasionally and would try and write something to me. It was hard to see him like that, but I knew this would help him get stronger.

When I left the day before he needed 100% oxygen, now he was at 60%.

**Quick amateur explanation of oxygen levels. A normal person breathes 20% oxygen 80% nitrogen and their blood oxygen saturation level is usually 99% or 100%. Duben has required 100% and his saturation levels were down to high 80s low 90s. The doctors would like to see it be closer to 94% then get back to 99%**

It was good to see a little improvement in some way. His x-rays continue to look worse though.

I stayed a bit longer and just held his hand and let him sleep.

I came back later that night and my heart jumped when I saw him awake. We were able to write back and forth a little. He tires easily so it wasn't long before he was ready to sleep.

His oxygen was down to 50% now. I'm grateful for these little wins, they give me the strength I need to function. Especially grateful for all those who are fasting and praying for our family right now. I know its because of those prayers Im able to keep it together.

thanks for the confidence pt 2

Sunday, March 11

We were able to get to church and meet the ward. Everyone was very friendly and I couldn't believe how many people came up and offered to help with anything I needed. I was able to get a blessing, and it was so comforting.Duben is doing a little bit better today. His oxygen is down to 40%. He didn't remember that I was there the day before. He kept saying he was hungry, the poor guy hasn't eaten since Thursday night.Tonight he was more alert, it's nice we can write and talk, or just sit and hold hands and watch tv. I miss him.Hopefully tomorrow brings more answers.My aunt wrote me a great email about dealing with trials. She shared the story of someone who experienced trial after trial and he said when hard things happen he always looks up toward Heavenly Father and says, "Thanks for the confidence."I can do this.

Monday, March 12

Duben looked good this morning. His oxygen was at 40% and he was awake and looking good. The girl from the respiratory team was hopeful that he would be able to get the tube out. She was going to run a test to see how well he could breathe for half an hour first. If he did well he might get it out. He did perfect. One of the nurses told us not to get our hopes up because his chest x-rays still looked bad, but I didnt want to listen to that. Today was our day. The dr came in and said things did look good, but she wanted to wait just a little bit to watch his heart rate, because it was getting low. She was slowly taking him off his sedation to see if that was the cause. She also wanted the cardiovascular team to come have a look at him. HOURS later they finally showed up, but his heart rate had come back up at that point. Then, she finally gave the okay! It was awful for Duben to actually get it out, but then after....what a relief. Hearing him talk again brought tears to my eyes. We were so happy. Finally a win! I had missed him so much. I had been three days since I heard his voice. We've never gone that long since we started dating. What an emotional time that was.The doctors said he could even get out of the ICU in 24 hours, which would mean he could see the kids! I know how hard it is on him not to see them. Ainsley misses her daddy and he misses her.

Poor Duben still can't eat, dinner tonight was ice chips. I keep telling him, today was our turning point, good things were happening. I'm so glad we had a good day. I just feel happier knowing we made a little progress. We still have a ways to go though, so I don't want to expect too much.It's hard trying to split myself between him and the kids. I feel like I'm always neglecting someone. It's emotionally draining. What a day. It's exhausting running back and forth to the hospital all day. I just sit and worry about him and our situation. Its hard being helpless. I realized this weekend how heavily I rely on prayer. This experience has really helped me put things in perspective. Hopefully I am learning what I need to from all of these experiences. This has been the hardest week of my life. Going through a trial is hard, but going through it without Duben, that has been near impossible. I can't imagine my world without him. Going to bed each night without him was awful. I can't wait to get him home and get our lives back. I hope I never take it for granted.

Tuesday, March 13

Went to the hospital first thing in the morning and Duben was sitting in a chair! What a happy surprise. His occupational therapist came in and helped him get up and move. Such a small thing, but it is a big change for us. We're hoping to get out of the ICU today, so this is a good start. He's on a clear liquid diet right now, I've had to convince him to drink. Each improvement is a step closer to his recovery.Our doctor came in and gave us a breakdown of his current situation:- His port is causing problems and needs to come out as soon as he is stable enough. His arm has swelled and he was getting blood clots.-X-rays are looking better today.- We are out of the woods for his breathing, we just need to get this infection under control now.- One of the ideas of what happened was that Duben has bacterial pneumonia. He's had it for a while, but his blood counts have been so low, his body hasn't been able to fight it. It finally got so bad and thats when the breathing problems started. They gave him a shot to boost up his counts, and once that happened his body was able to fight the disease, which caused it to get inflamed and get worse. So now that he's healthy enough to fight it, its fighting back.

- He's letting us out of the ICU today!

While we waited his occupational therapist came back to take him for a little walk. It took like 20 minutes just to get his IVs under control and his oxygen ready. He was able to walk around his bed before he felt tired. He did great though. Its all about the little victories. It sure makes me appreciate all the things Im able to do everyday.We moved out of the ICU finally! Our new floor is so nice, I feel like we are starting over. They finally cleared off his IV pole and there are only 2 bags left. He had about 6 or 7 different bags at one time. I got to bring the kids up that night too. Ainsley was so excited to see Daddy.

It felt so good to be together as a family again.

I dont think we can say enough how much we appreciate all the prayers and support we've received. I have felt so much love from so many people and from our Heavenly Father. I know he hears and answers our prayers and is there to comfort us. I've felt that so strongly this week. Thank you!

i can do hard things

I think recent events have warrented a new blog post.

We will start with some good news first!

On January 26, Anderson Duben Wilde was born. 8 lbs 13 oz. 19 1/2 inches long. A wonderful day, since he shares his birthday with my wonderful grandma. He's just perfect. He's been such a wonderful addition to our family. Ainsley especially thinks he's great. she's been a great helper and is proud of her little brother. It has been nice to another beautiful baby around us to keep us smiling.

Just a few weeks ago, Duben finished his last chemotherapy treatment. We were so overwhelmed and grateful to finally have that behind us. It has definitely been a long road getting here. We couldn't have done it without the love and support of so many amazing people.
Just a week after Duben's last treatment he wasn't feeling well, so he went to his oncologist and they found out he had pneumonia. He went in for two sets of IV antibiotics and they told him to get some rest and he should be okay. A week later he still wasn't feeling well and we were set to leave for Houston the next morning, so he went back in and had another X-ray and then had to get two shots. They said the pneumonia didnt look any worse so the antibiotics should do the trick. The next morning we packed up the car and made a quick stop at the oncology clinic so he could have one more round of antibiotics, then we were on our way. We drove five hours to Dallas and then the next morning made our way to Houston.
We plan on being here in Houston for about six weeks, so we've rented a little two bedroom house close to the hospital. We were pleasantly surprised how cute it is, and that its in a great neighborhood. Ainsley loves it, and calls it the bungalow.
We arrived in Houston Sunday afternoon and Monday morning I dropped Duben off at MD Anderson so he could meet with his radiation oncologist and then have a CT scan done. He still wasn't feeling well and by the time he went to get his CT he was having problems breathing and was in a lot of pain. He ended up throwing up and then they told him he needed to go to the ER.
Once there they discovered he had a blood clot in his lung and also an infection in his lungs. The blood clot has a pretty straightforward treatment plan, which right now is two shots twice a day. Due to the hefty price tag off the shot, he'll be switching to a pill, which will requre weekly doctor visits for about six months. Which isnt bad, if we stayed with the shots Duben would have to administer them himself, and he hates needles.

As for the infection, the doctors are unsure of what it is, and that is their main concern. This morning they performed a bronchoscopy to look at his lungs and take a sample from the infection. The procedure went well, and it will probably be about two days before we get the results back. In the mean time, Duben is comfortable, and slowly feeling better. He still struggles breathing and coughing, but we are comforted knowing he is at the best place for him. The doctors and nurses here are amazing, and since I can't stay with him all day, its nice knowing he is well taken care of.

Overall, we are doing okay. Its been hard emotionally having so much thrown at us all at once. Moving to a new city with a newborn and a two year old was hard, but adding all this immediately after arriving really caught us offguard. We are blessed my mom was able to fly in so I can spend time at the hospital with Duben and she can be with Ainsley. Ainsley is adjusting well, but still misses Daddy. A good friend of ours gave us a picture that says, I can do hard things. There have been many nights we've looked at that and had to remind ourselves that we can do this. We can get through this.

We are so grateful for all the prayers and well wishes. It means so much to us to have such an amazing support system. I know we couldn't have made it through all these trials without the love and support of so many wonderful people. I just can't say enough how much we appreciate all of you. Thank you all!

quick update

There haven't been many changes here lately. We had an amazing Christmas. It was nice to have Duben home for a few days while he was feeling strong. Ainsley was so much fun, and was so grateful for everything she had. She kept saying, "Best Christmas Ever." We are so blessed with such an amazing little girl!
Duben was supposed to have treatment on the 30th of December, but his white blood counts were really low, so they pushed it back a week. The next day he felt really sick and had a fever, so we're glad he didn't get treatment. He took his antibiotics and is doing much better. His counts were way up by the next week and he was able to get his treatment done. He has three more to go!
We're getting our plans for Houston taken care of. We'll be there for about five weeks so he can get his radiation treatments at MD Anderson.
Our little baby boy has yet to arrive. Doctor has been saying any day for two weeks now. I'm just hoping he waits until after this treatment, then he can come anytime he'd like. Ainsley is anxious for his arrival, and keeps talking to my belly telling him to come out. She keeps telling me he's stuck. She's excited and is already treating him well, she always makes sure to give him hugs before she goes to bed.

As always, thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. We need them!

An Update!

Again, I apologize for not updating the blog more. New Years resolution maybe?

Things are going well for the Wildes. Duben only has 4 more treatments left! Now that he's completed 4 cycles he's getting his routine tests done this week to see how he is responding to his treatments. We are hopeful that things continue to progress and we will receive positive results.

Duben still has the majority of his hair, which we are so happy about. His hair is thinning a bit, and you can even see it in his eyebrows now, but he still looks great. He is still working away and even manages to keep up with Ainsley at home. We are so blessed. He definitely has his hard days, and each treatment seems to hit him harder, but overall he is doing well. We are so grateful for the strength he receives and know what a great blessing it is.

Ainsley is doing well and is excited about all things Christmas. Especially Christmas candy and Santa. She loves Santa...mostly from afar. She has been talking about having a brother a lot, so we are really excited about that. She is such a big help around the house. She is sweet enough to let mommy take the occasional nap, and even tucks me in. We are so grateful for her energy and love that she gives us, she brings us so much joy.

The pregnancy is going well. I'm definitely getting anxious for the baby to come, but of course not quite ready at the same time. I'm hopeful he'll arrive the later part of January.

We hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season. We love this time of year and have so much to be thankful for. This has been an emotional year for us, and we couldn't have made it through without the love and support of our friends and family. We want everyone to know how much we appreciate everything, the dinners, babysitting, the prayers, and the hugs. Every little thing has made our lives a little better. Thank you!

Merry Christmas!

Our Trip to Houston

This week Duben and I went back to Houston to meet with the doctors at MD Anderson. They ran all the same tests as our first meeting so they could see his progress and see how he has reacted to his treatment so far. We also needed to meet with the radiation oncologist they recommended.
We met with the radiation oncologist first to talk about how radiation works, the side effects, and the treatment plan. We were excited to learn that most patients say radiation is a walk in the park compared to chemotherapy. His treatments will last for four weeks and is Monday through Friday. Another good thing is the appointment for his treatment is only about thirty minutes, versus the five hour chemotherapy appointments we are used to.
Although the actual radiation isn't bad, we were surprised to hear about all the long term effects that Duben will have to monitor for the rest of his life. It was a little overwhelming listening to all the different things we'll have to monitor, but here were a few I remembered. Most people would start getting their heart looked at in their fifties, but Duben will need to start meeting with a cardiologist in his forties. If he were to get clogged arteries, it would be accelerated because of radiation. He has a higher chance of thyroid problems, other cancers, etc. Now it's not all doom and gloom, the chances of him getting any of these are still low, it is just a little bit higher than the average person now.
When it came time to talk about the treatment plan the doctor surprised us by saying the results of his treatment so far looked great. We hadn't heard results yet and were caught off guard hearing this. I don't think either of us were prepared for the rush of emotions we felt as she explained the good news. His active cancer cells had reduced drastically. There was little sign of them left. What an amazing relief.
When it came down to the actual radiation treatment they were very clear in their recommendation. For the best possible outcome, it should be done in Houston. The main reason is how unique Hodgkin's Lymphoma is. The doctors in Houston specialize in Lymphoma and that is all they do. It isn't the ideal situation, especially with lil' D set to arrive February 2nd next year, but we feel like it is what's best. We will be able to make it work, so we feel the sacrifice is worth making sure Duben is well taken care of.
Next we met with Duben's doctor and she was so pleased with how he is doing. We got to see the before and after pictures of where the cancer was, and its incredible! It is already a night and day difference. The masses in his chest are all slowly getting smaller too. She had more good news for us too, Duben is supposed to get another round of tests after his 4th cycle, and she told us he could get those done in Arkansas and not have to come back to Houston to do them again. This was a HUGE relief since he would have gone back in January and we didn't want him to run the risk of missing the baby being born.
So overall, a great week for us. We've been so worried with not knowing how he was doing. We know we aren't out of the woods, and our lives will never be 'normal' again, but we are so grateful for everything we have. We know we are truly blessed.
Thank you to everyone who continues to serve our family. We are so grateful for all the support and prayers.

oh, and duben still has his hair!

2 down, 4 to go

Just a quick update on how things are going for us. First, little Miss Ainsley turned two this weekend. We are so proud of our amazing little girl. She brings us so much happiness, we are so grateful for her and all of her energy and love. She’s such a sweetheart. Happy Birthday!


Duben is doing well. He’s now finished 2 of the 6 chemo cycles. Luckily, Duben manages to sleep through most of his treatments, so that's always nice for him. Each one seems to hit him a little harder each time, mostly with fatigue and a bit of nausea. The hard part is the anticipation of when it will hit. We know he'll get sick, it's just when. I'm so proud of him and how well he's been doing. He’s able to work full time and still manages to keep up with Ainsley. He still gets tired and has to take it easy, but I’m so impressed with all he still does. I’m so grateful for his strength and positive attitude.

Duben will be heading to Houston in a few weeks to get an update on his progress. The doctors will re-run most of his tests to determine whether or not the treatment is working and how he is reacting. He’ll also be meeting with a Radiation Oncologist to see how long radiation will be, and whether or not that treatment should be done in Houston. Since the limp nodes are so large and close to his heart, his doctor was worried about the risk factors of radiation, and might recommend he gets it done there. We hope that's not the case, but we will do whatever needs to be done.
We are optimistic that everything is going well. Duben has said he is feeling good and notices a little less pressure in his chest. This gives us hope that everything is working.

Mom and baby are also doing well. Lil' D is growing quickly and is quite the kicker. We're getting excited to meet him. Ainsley just loves talking to him, and reminding Mom to be quiet because he's sleeping. She will be such a good big sister.

As always - thank you to everyone who continues to give us support. We are so grateful for all the service and prayers. We feel so blessed and comforted.