i promise, i'm okay

I've wanted to update the blog so many times, but I just couldn't ever figure out what to say.  Forgive me if I'm blunt at times, but I needed to let some things out.

Today Anderson is 6 months old.  

Cute huh? 

I got to thinking about the past six months and everything that has happened.  It is obvious that my world has changed forever.  But its not a bad change.  Yes, I'd give anything to have my life be like it was 6 months ago, but I can honestly say that I'm happy again.

I want everyone to know how much I appreciate all the love and support.  I know for certain that I couldn't have managed these past few months without my amazing friends and family.  So many of you have stepped up and been there for me.  Especially those first few months dealing with all the birthdays, anniversary, and Father's Day.  Thank you.  You have helped give me the strength I've needed to get through those hard days.  I'm grateful those days seem to be a little less often now.

I want people to know they can still talk to me.  I know it can be awkward and some people feel like they have to have the right thing to say, so they don't say anything.  I'd rather have you say something awkward than avoid me.  And trust me, unless you are trying to offend me, you wont. If anything, I will probably make an awkward joke about my situation.  So, don't be offended by that, I use humor to try and make light of heavy situations.  

I understand this is a hard situation, I wouldn't have known what to do either, but I need to feel as normal as I can.  I feel like there have been people in my life who have taken a step back because they don't know what to do or say.  Please don't.  I'm not fragile.    You can ask me questions, you can talk to me about the silly things, or the real life hard things.  Don't feel like your problems are lesser because of my situation, because they aren't.  We are all going through different trials, and I would never even start to think yours weren't important.  Again, I just want to feel as normal as I can.

And finally...Yes, I am doing okay.  The kids are doing great too.

The grieving process is long and hard.  It comes and goes, and comes right back.  I miss Duben terribly, but I know he is where he is most needed.  I wish he was here, but I know this is the Lord's plan, and He is mindful of our family. 

Most of us have grown up hearing, "The Lord would not give us more than we can handle."  As much as I  tell myself that, I still have days where I wonder if I can really play every role needed to raise a happy and righteous family.  It scares me to think about our road ahead, but I know that I am not alone.

It was General Conference while we were in the hospital.  That Saturday morning was when I was told Duben probably wasn't going to make it.  Because there were so many doctors coming and going, I was only able to listen to one single conference talk that day.  It was Henry B Eyring's, Mountains to Climb.
  I know I was supposed to hear that talk.  If you haven't read it, please do.
I read it often, and this is one of my favorite parts.

If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing. In all conditions, we can choose the right with the guidance of the Spirit. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ to shape and guide our lives if we choose it. And with prophets revealing to us our place in the plan of salvation, we can live with perfect hope and a feeling of peace. We never need to feel that we are alone or unloved in the Lord’s service because we never are. We can feel the love of God. The Savior has promised angels on our left and our right to bear us up.  And He always keeps His word.

I'm not sure what lies ahead for my little family.  I am so grateful to know I will never be alone.  I know the Spirit is there to guide and direct me to do what is best for us.  I am grateful to live with hope and peace, knowing that my family is forever.  

Just know....I am happy.  

I have amazing children who are my world.  I have amazing friends who are truly my angels to bear me up.  I am hopeful of great things to come for us.  

I'll leave you all with a quote I love.....  

When we are served a plate of 'more than we can handle', that is a great opportunity to turn to the Lord, in humility and obedience, and learn about His power, and what He can do for us.
- Becky Thomas

Love you all.  Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers.