thanks for the confidence - part 1

What an eventful few days it has been.

This is a little lengthy and in depth, but it was mainly for me to remember everything.

Thursday, March 8

It was a rough day from the get go. Duben woke up really early coughing and was struggling breathing so they had to bring in the respiratory team. They gave him a face mask to help him breathe better. I know at this point he was just exhausted. I tried to spend most the day with him to keep him company and keep his mind off of everything. We haven't been getting any new information yet, nothing good at least. The doctors told us his chest is looking a little worse than the day before. He continued to struggle getting in air. We still are waiting to hear back on his lab results. Because of the different tests they do we will slowly get more and more information. His spirits did seem a little better today.

For lunch I went downstairs to get Duben a smoothie and started talking to a man in the elevator. We said a little about why we were here and where are from. We stopped and chatted a little more, then he asked if he could pray for me. Sure. Then he grabbed my hand and started praying in the middle of the hallway. Only in the south. I needed it though, so thank you to the nice man from Shreveport.

I went back home for a bit to play with Ainsley and hold Anderson before I went back to the hospital. I'm so grateful my mom is here to take care of them. Ainsley loves her and she is so patient with her. I wanted to be able to take her to the park and do fun things with her, but I just don't have the time. So I'm grateful that she can do it. Its hard not to feel like I'm not being a good mom to them sometimes, I wish I could play with Ainsley more and cuddle with my baby boy more. I just want them to know how much I love them.

Duben had another hard night tonight, so I'm glad I decided to stay with him. We both fell asleep around eleven then he woke up coughing around one and was scared he was going to have another episode like the night before. That gave him anxiety and he asked if I could just hold his hand or rub his arm. He continued to tense up and he just wasn't able to get enough oxygen. The respiratory guy came in and did a treatment with him to help open his lungs and break some of the stuff up and that seemed to help for a bit. Nurses kept coming in to check on him and at four o'clock they did a chest X-ray. His chest infections continues to look worse. After that they still were concerned with his oxygen levels, so they brought in a breathing mask that straps to his head,kind of like a catchers mask. This keeps in all the air and does more of the breathing for him. The next step for him would be the ICU. Poor Duben is just so exhausted physically and emotionally. The nurses were finally able to give him something for his anxiety, and it helped put him to sleep. I just pray that he sleeps and is able to get some strength back. We have a long road ahead of us. It's hard to see someone you love struggle so much and not be able to do anything for him.

Friday, March 9

This has easily been the hardest week of my life. Duben had to be moved to the ICU this morning because he just couldn't breathe well enough on his own. I came back to the hospital to see him and he was just exhausted. He was still using the mask to breathe and was struggling to stay awake. He was so tired from having to work so hard to breathe. The nurses said it was like he had been running a marathon for the past two days.

They notified the doctor when I arrived and she came to talk to us. Basically, Duben wasn't doing well enough on the breathing mask and his chest xrays were looking worse. We had to make the decision whether or not to move him to a breathing tube right now, or risk having to put him on one in an emergency situation. On the tube he can't talk, he would need to be highly sedated, there is a risk his body would become dependent on it and he won't be able to get off of it, and who knows when he will be able to come off of it. She left us to talk it over, and we just cried.

Duben was just exhausted and we both knew this was the best way to let his body rest. We were both scared. I hated the thought of not being able to talk to him and not knowing when he would be off of it. I felt like I was having to say goodbye to my husband. We cried and kept saying how much we loved each other and proud we were of each other. It killed me not knowing when Ainsley would get to see daddy again. We had a quick prayer together and after a lot of tears we told the doctor to go ahead with the breathing tube. They immediately started getting everything ready. I kissed him again and we exchanged more I love yous and they started the procedure. I stayed for a bit and we kept looking at each other trying to smile. The last thing I saw was him wink at me before they sedated him. Once he was out I couldn't stand to be in there and had to leave. In the waiting room I let myself go and just cried.

After the procedure I went back in and it broke my heart. He was laying there heavily sedated with the breathing tube in his mouth. I felt like I lost my husband. The nurses were wonderful and helped console me. They encouraged me to go home and be with our kids and they would take good care of Duben. They said I should call as much as I liked. I kissed him goodbye and cried the whole way home. Never during all of this cancer process had I ever worried about losing Duben until tonight. I felt like my world had just come crashing down.

I was able to talk to friends at home and our Bishop. What amazing people and friends we have. They quickly sent out an email to the ward asking everyone to fast and pray for us over the weekend. It gave me so much comfort knowing I had so many people behind me ready to help me fight this battle. We couldn't do this on our own.

Saturday, March 10

I called first thing in the morning to see how he was doing. He was still pretty sedated and was just sleeping. Later when I called he was somewhat awake so I rushed over to see him. When I got there he was really sedated and he woke up occasionally and would try and write something to me. It was hard to see him like that, but I knew this would help him get stronger.

When I left the day before he needed 100% oxygen, now he was at 60%.

**Quick amateur explanation of oxygen levels. A normal person breathes 20% oxygen 80% nitrogen and their blood oxygen saturation level is usually 99% or 100%. Duben has required 100% and his saturation levels were down to high 80s low 90s. The doctors would like to see it be closer to 94% then get back to 99%**

It was good to see a little improvement in some way. His x-rays continue to look worse though.

I stayed a bit longer and just held his hand and let him sleep.

I came back later that night and my heart jumped when I saw him awake. We were able to write back and forth a little. He tires easily so it wasn't long before he was ready to sleep.

His oxygen was down to 50% now. I'm grateful for these little wins, they give me the strength I need to function. Especially grateful for all those who are fasting and praying for our family right now. I know its because of those prayers Im able to keep it together.